I've Got 6 Things To Say About Miley Cyrus' VMA Performance

It's been a week now, babe, and I think we're all tired of hearing about it. But before we get some fresh, new shennanigans from inappropriately young looking idols (BBC reported that Bieber pissed in a bucket... I heard on NPR that Amanda Bynes set her dog on fire) I've got 5 things that I want to say about the Miley Cyrus VMA performance.

1. It was weird. Real fucking weird.

Cool tongue, weirdo.

This girl's tongue keeps flopping out of her mouth, her eyes are crossing, and her whole lanky body is spasming wildly while she points at her vagina and butt. If you were to ask a deaf child to explain to you what they saw in a porno film, this is how they'd do it.

That is some weird, weird shit. I don't want to be the guy who doesn't "get it", but I don't get it.

2. You know who loved this performance? Pedophiles.

I'm not saying that everyone in the audience is definitely a pedophile. I'm just saying that at least some of them are definitely pedophiles and the rest are only maybe pedophiles. 

I'm definitely not saying that everyone who enjoyed the performance is a pedophile. Let me be clear about that. What I am saying is that every pedophile loved this performance. And that's not an opinion, it's a fact.  And I invite anyone to step forward and dispute it. Until one person confirms that they are a pedophile and they did not enjoy this performance, I will stand as the undisputed champion of this argument.

We first met Miley Cyrus as a little kid and she is still portraying herself as one. She is a gangly youth wearing oversized sneakers that accentuate her smallness. She is surrounded by Teddy Bears, one of the most undeniably quintessential icons of childhood. The whole performance is drenched in pink and sparkles and fluffiness and OMG.

And then she simulates sex acts on a passively complicit adult man.

This performance preys directly on our societal lust for young flesh. And I bet that a lot of hardcore pedophiles were really appreciative of that. I hope they write "Thank You" cards to MTV.

3. This is racist, babe.

That is one hell of a drumstick. 

I didn't want to admit it, but it is. There is so much race baiting in the media already and I was really, really hoping that this could just stand alone as tacky, but it couldn't. It had to go and be racist too.

The problem is that Miley Cyrus is again acting like a child. It's like when a little kid wants to touch a black persons hair, and you have to explain to them that it's not ok. But no one ever had that conversation with Miley Cyrus. When she wanted to touch a black persons hair, everyone just let her. Now she's a few years older and she is exploring the concept of black women as sex objects with the same untempered zeal.

She is a spoiled honkey child who is trying to demonstrate her immersion in black culture, but she doesn't know Huey Newton from Huey Lewis. 

4. It doesn't matter.

The official, standard response to any further discussion on Miley Cyrus. 

Who gives a shit? This is the fucking MTV Video Music Awards. This is a show for lonely teenagers to beat off to. It's not meant to be discussed in civilized, well-read circles. 

I don't want to be the guy who says "What about Syria?", but what about Syria? Their president gassed a bunch of people and now Obama is going to bomb them or something. I don't really know. I'll tell you more about it when Stewart and Colbert are back from vacation.  

If Tom Wolfe wrote an article in Atlantic Quarterly entitled "The Pleasures of Mopery", I'm sure it wouldn't get 1/10th the coverage by social media that this event did . You know why? Because people are dumb. Not me, though. I'm smart. That's why I know that mopery is the criminal act of exposing ones' self to the blind.

5. It does matter.

Malibu was so bad at Human Cannonball.

In ancient Rome, they used to feed people to lions. Maybe, I don't really know that. I don't have a source on that information, but I feel like I've heard it a lot. That happened in "Gladiator", right?

But I do know that at some point in world history, it was common for people to watch and drunkenly celebrate as other people got killed. And I also know why that stopped happening in common cilivazation:

Because people didn't want to see it any more.

That's literally the only reason. At some point, some Roman was watching a cripple get eaten by a bear on the undercard and they said "That's in poor taste." So they stopped buying tickets to the blood-orgy. And ticket sales went down steadily, so the producers eventually had to stop murdering people and just do concerts and plays and stuff.

And at this point in human history, some producer decided to do a mash-up of Moulin Rouge with the Muppet Babies. And it came out really weird, and creepy, and racist and irrelevant and I don't think we should watch this shit.

Or blog about it.

Starting now.