"Help me Snake Man!" The Ultimate Warrior moans, his desperate gasps fogging up the tiny window that separates him from his tormentor, Jake "The Snake" Roberts.

Warrior is equal parts David Bowie and Bizzaro Superman. He is a garish lunatic, throbbing with bovine growth hormones and snarling nonsense. He is the good guy, and he is in peril. 

I never should have a trusted a man whose nickname is "The Snake."

Jake Roberts is the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life up to that point. He is seething with sadistic, predatory delight. There is a twinkle in his eye and his voice is damp and lusty. He is playing cat and mouse with the most powerful force I have ever been witness to,

I am 10 years old, small and weak, and I am in peril too. A pane of glass also separates me from the villainous Snake Man. I want to smash through so the Warrior can get out, or maybe so I can get in. 

Looking back on it now, I feel so foolish. I never should have a trusted a man whose nickname is "The Snake". Also, pro wrestling isn't real* 

*you're not real.