Greetings, Melon Heads!

What a first week it’s been here in Barry’s World! Thanks to everyone who joined me for the ride.

In addition to all the great comics you’ll see coming through TheRealBarryMelon.com, Melon’s Musings will be a weekly feature where I share a few pearls of wisdom, half-baked ideas, and anecdotes from my day-to-day life that don’t fit inside the panels.

Caution: You are about to step inside the mind of Barry Melon, and that can be a very dangerous place!

Here’s a little life-hack for all you foodies out there:

Try dipping your Doritos in mayonnaise to add a silky smooth swirl to your favorite zesty corn chip- you won’t regret it! I figured that tasty trick out last week when we ran out of sour cream. Plus, if you dip straight into the jar, you’ll give the rest of your left-over mayo an extra cheesy zing!

My momma once told me there are 5 ways to do something:

There’s the hard way, the easy way, the right way, the wrong way, and the highway.

I’m not totally sure what she meant by that, because most of those options aren’t mutually exclusive of one another.

The first four are pretty self-explanatory (if you don’t think about it too much), but I guess that what she meant by “the highway” is just pulling over on the side of the highway and dumping your problems right there then driving off. Because that’s what she did to me, literally while she was giving me that speech! She barely even finished it before shoving me out the door and driving away. I’m not sure the fifth one even was “the highway”, because on the third one she was unbuckling my seat belt and on the fourth she was reaching across me to open up my door. She barely even slowed down and yelled the fifth out the window as I tumbled into a drainage ditch on the side of the road. It was a heck of a way to spend my 10th birthday, but those words still resonate with me to this day!

I’m writing a rom-com called “Irregardlessly Yours”.

It’s a love story about an English professor who falls in love with an idiot.

Finally-- let me tell you a little story about a recent trip to the mall with my wife, where I got more than I bargained for…

After a good 2 hours of walking from store to store, we came upon one of those nifty little massage chair stations and decided to indulge. $10 for 10 minutes felt a little steep, but it had been a long day and we figured it would be worth it.

Boy oh boy, I had no idea what I was getting into!

Almost immediately, I noticed that something seemed a bit… off. I glanced over at my lovely wife to see if she felt it too, but she was fully reclined, eyes closed, deep in the deep tissue— so I decided not to disturb her.

I’m not sure if someone had modified my chair or if it was some sort of malfunction, but the massager seemed to be oddly and distinctly focused directly on my anus!

And I’m talking BULLSEYE. That chair must have had a very sophisticated AI with some very unsophisticated proclivities, because it was remarkably adept at pushing my button!

Now, I’ve never exactly been to Greece (if you catch my drift), but I did wrestle in high school and I once went to a Morrissey concert that was a little bit too crowded for my comfort, so I’m not a total novice when it comes to these things. Still, the precision of the pulsating action made me feel like I was dealing with a feature of this chair and not a malfunction.

I quickly eye-balled the control settings and found that it was set to “Swedish Deep Tissue”, and not “French Tickle” as I had initially expected.

I glanced again at Mrs. Melon to see if she was having the same experience that I was. Either she wasn’t, or I don’t know her nearly as well as I previously thought!

Even though I was uncomfortable at first, eventually I said to myself “when in Paris…” and let myself relax and do as the Parisians do.

A few minute later, I came in pants.

Nah, I’m just kidding. This story doesn’t have a big finale. The massage ended and we were on our way. That’s why it didn’t make it into the pages of Barry’s World. Sometimes life gives you a great setup with no punchline— like a hand job without a happy ending, or getting dry humped by a robotic chair.

I’m glad to get it off my chest now, though.

But I’ll tell you this much— I will absolutely NOT be going back to that massage station EVER AGAIN (without a wine spritzer and a copy of Us Weekly!)

Coming soon…

Keep an eye on the pages of TheRealBarryMelon.com and follow me on all social media platforms to stay up to date with the most exciting thing to come to the internet since porn!

Next week, I’ll be debuting the my new comic series Millenial Man, as well as dropping the latest installment of Barry’s World.

In next weeks edition of Melon’s Musings, I’ll be answering questions from you, the readers!

Use the form below to ask me anything— but please, no probing questions about my relationship with that chair… some things are personal!

Thanks for following my crazy adventure into the world of webcomics so far. Stay tuned to TheRealBarryMelon.com— the best is yet to come!

-Melon.