Since we’re all so god damned excited for freedom these days, let me tell you about my 5 favorite things to set on fire. Unless you’re a true friend of freedom, odds are pretty good that you won’t be happy about at least one of them.

1. A big, fat joint.

Obviously. The 1 spot is a total no-brainer. I like to burn it and inhale the smoke. As a proud Californian and a lover of freedom, it’s a wonderful way to express my rights. It’s also a terrific way to get high (also tops my list of “5 favorite ways to get high”, but that’s a listicle for another day).

2. The American Flag.

It’s a classic. The American flag on fire is an iconic image. It reminds me of all that’s great with this country, which I genuinely love so much. It brings a tear of unmitigated joy to my eye every time I see our flag- the star spangled banner, the stars and stripes, old glory- going up in flames.

3. Any religious text.

I’m not a huge fan of book burning in general. Books are generally full of knowledge and information, which are friends of freedom. But religious texts are also full of silly fairy tales and hateful bullshit that some people take so seriously that they’re willing to vote away their own rights for them. Heck- some people will even kill each other for that non-sense!

I generally favor a good Bible roast for a variety of reasons:

1. I grew up under the thumb of the Catholic church and those dickheads take that silly book of fairy-tales way too seriously. You’ve got to torch it every now and then just to remind them that it’s made out of paper.

2. It’s really fun to watch a bible in the fire because as pages burn away, they reveal all of this crazy, apocalyptic text. Especially the book of Genesis. Reading each page as it burns away, only to reveal something even crazier, is like watching a Michael Bay film (except less realistic).

3. I like burning religious texts, but I also like to keep my head firmly on my shoulders.

4.  A camp fire.

So beautiful, so serene. Watching a camp fire burn is like holding a mirror up to your soul. Look long and deep enough and you’ll see the dreams of a thousand generations of your ancestors and descendants, dancing wildly in the peaceful chaos.

Imagine yourself sitting at the edge of a lake in the summer. A cantaloupe colored flame burns low as a loon sings a long, lonely note in the distance. You’re alone with the moon, and even it is tired and waning in the cold, dark night. So you feed the fire another log, pull a flask of whiskey from your breast pocket and take a grip, and maybe toss in a bible just for kicks.

That’s called “the American dream”, baby.

5. The Rainbow Flag

Now hear me out.

I’ve got to admit it: this is only a theoretical number 5 because I haven’t actually burned a rainbow flag (yet). I haven’t had much of an inclination to burn the flag that represents gay pride. I generally like gay people and they’ve done virtually nothing to oppress me in any meaningful way. I have little to rebel against when it comes to the LGBTQEtc community, and I fully support them in their struggle.

But with that being said, they are an increasingly powerful group in San Francisco, and that flag is quite iconic in it’s own right. And any time any physical object starts to gain political power, you’ve got to torch it. Once you tell me an inanimate object is sacred in any way, I’m going to toss it in a fire.

Also, I think that the aesthetics would be great. All those big bands of color giving way to the flames, then turning crispy grey as they fall to ash. It’s going to be beautiful.

Honorable mentions: The Confederate flag, marshmallows, enemies of Cersei Lannister.

Once I get back to San Francisco, I think we’ll have a little freedom fire. We’ll toss in a few flags, a bible (maybe one of those Dianetics books- those guys don’t chop heads off, do they?), and maybe Colin Kaepernick’s jersey just for kicks. And we’ll definitely smoke a big, fat joint, rolled tight with the finest Northern California grass. Then we’ll let the flames separate the true friends of freedom from the self-righteous hypocrites who just like to play the outrage game on Facebook.

Sounds like fun, right? You can bring the marshmallows.  

PS: People that burn the California Bear Flag should be put in death camps.