Let's face the facts: super-heroes today are a bunch of pussies.

Iron Man is a technocratic socialist, Captain America is a traitor, and Superman is an emo little buttplug.

These aren't the heroes we need in today's world. Not with ISIS out there running amok. Not while Russia is hacking into our shit. Not with Bernie Sanders and the #AllLivesMatter movement threatening to impose their PC, socialist bullshit all over our great country. And certainly not while Donald Jupiter Trump stands a sturdy and shining obelisk of red meat, real American manhood.

So who will be our hero now? Who can we look up to in this brave new world?

Sam fuckin' Merica, that's who.

Sam was a world-renowned arm-wrestler before he finished high school. He was kicked out of the Navy Seals at 19 because his dick was too big to fit in their uniform. He moved home to Tampa Bay, Florida, where he became a world-champion jet-ski racer until he was called back to action, solicited by the President of the United States (the one from Texas) to spearhead an elite, off-the-books task force called The Friends of Freedom.

Now, with the singular mission of defending our great country-- at any cost and from every foe-- Sam tirelessly battles those who would stand against the American dream.

Enter Q'Wanda, the Q'Ween of Welfare!

Born Abigail Mayflower-Bernstein to a pair of elite liberal college professors, Q'Wanda first self-identified as being transracial when she saw Rihanna perform and realized that she was born with the soul of a beautiful Barbadian woman. She was later awarded $42 billion dollars in damages by the state of California after a post office worker said to her "Ma'am, will you please keep your voice down?" Q'Wanda successfully argued in court that the term "ma'am" bears enough phonetic resemblance to the term "maghum", which was an anti-Barbadian slur used by Dutch traders in the 18th century. The settlement effectively bankrupted the state of California, while Q'Wanda puts her newfound mega-wealth toward her ongoing efforts to destroy the American way of life.

Can Sam stop the slovenly sovereign of social services from entangling the nation in her entitled tentacles? Or will the Q'Ween reign supreme? Keep reading CTOB to find out!